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Comments (1) Emo, Musings & Personal

a-little-space

I feel… sad. Empty. Lost.
I seem to need so much space nowadays, to sort through my thoughts and think about what i really want in life.
I can’t bear going out to as many events as i used to, i feel it drains me.
Every time i see people, i feel the necessity to hide at home to recalibrate my energy.

Earlier this year i fantasized (and seriously plotted) letting everything go.
Selling my home/s, my car, moving to a non-city location, and practice being a witch doctor.
I thought about moving to Cuba.
I thought about moving to Bali.
I thought about just going anywhere else where i can grow in the direction and speed which i feel i am not getting here anymore.

I feel like i’m doing the same thing over and over again.
I am so lucky to have a roof over my head in the form of my lovely home, people who love me fiercely, and food i get to choose to eat every day. I am lucky i have a job that allows me to choose my hours and who i want to work with.

And still… it doesn’t feel enough.

I felt so much anxiety for a couple of months that i admitted to Jun that i freaked out about driving down the street to buy food. I messaged Rudy about his past bout of depression, who he saw, and half-considered seeing a therapist. But i didn’t. I do have people i can talk to… and i know that what i need is more time to meditate and be silent. To listen to my heart, that is being muffled by all this noise and distraction.

It’s so weird. I never would have thought i would be able to feel like this.
Now suddenly, i empathize with people who go through darkness, depression and pain.
I know what it feels like. It’s really painful. Sometimes instead of writing about my life, i make notes about the pain i’m feeling, and when i read back, it’s tragically funny and horrendous at the same time.

I feel like i lack the energy to do other things aside work, gym, meetings and responsibilities.
Once i’m done for the day, i just sorta… collapse into a silent chill out mode, and allow myself to do nothing.

I never remembered feeling like this EVER in my 20s.
I’m doing what i can to change things i can change – detoxed, eating healthy, exercise, doing things that feed my happiness.

I look at the years and decades stretched before me, and wonder WHAT THE HECK AM I GOING TO DO.

I have no idea.

I don’t think i’ll totally leave KL, i love KL.
But i do know i need to spend more time somewhere else, in a new grid, where i can reinvent my spirit again.

I’ve felt so much better before, i need to get back there again, more in fact.
I envision myself in the future being even bigger and brighter than my past brightest moments.

Maybe what i’m going through now is an internal destruction, so something new can be built in its place.
I believe in polarity – without destruction, there cannot be creation.

Last year, i paid a deposit to experience an ancient medicine ceremony in Goa with Dr. Octavio Rettig, but it was canceled cos he couldn’t make it. I shrugged it off as not meant to be. Thanks to someone’s insistence at making him more available in South East Asia, he’ll be within easy reach, and i’ve set a date.

I think it’s going to be an interesting turning point for me.
I think it’s something i need.

I pray it creates a profound shift in me that breaks the shards away
so i can clearly see what my next steps in life will be.