You confuse me when you suddenly perk up and seem alright for a few minutes.
Suddenly you can walk, you bark and bark and you drink your water and eat your apple snacks Mummy bought you.

Then after awhile you return to normal.
Your ‘normal’ being lying around, not being able to move much…
It was so hard to get you our of your kennel to take you to the vet just now.
I couldn’t really reach in and you didn’t have enough strength to come out yourself.
And you growled at me when i tried moving you.

I ran out of the house last night, cos i didn’t want to deal with you emotionally at home.
Somehow it’s easier in a cheating way when i run out, and don’t have to be where you are.
It’s easier when i don’t have to see you like this.

So i went to ——’s place.
And it was fine, we talked, i told him about DetergentMan and i forgot about you for a while.
Then at around 1am mummy smsed me saying she can’t sleep cos she’s crying so much about you.
And that made me start crying all over again.

You were lying on the floor, and i saw bits of blood from your wounds all over the place.
Looked like a little bit of blood… but from such a small thing like you…
Opening the door, Mummy heard me and looked up from the sofa, her face tear-stained.
Sometimes i feel like if she’s the one crying, then i cant’ be crying as well cos we’d both feel so useless.
But i couldn’t help it and started.
And she sobbed into the pillow she held.

She logged unto her laptop.
“Come and see this,” she asked.
I went to see.
Euthanasia.
It said on the top of the page.
I read it, through my tears.
I understand, i said.
He’s suffering so much, Mummy said.
I know. I said.

Drove you to the vet and they knew it was me again.
Again, this girl with the red hair and the dog who’s always sick.

I was fine in the room, they took your blood for an organ test whilst we explained what has been wrong with you.
Your test came back ten minutes later.
“He’s got liver infection,” said the vet.
I couldn’t help thinking, isn’t this something i should be hearing about myself?
And your kidneys too.
And your white blood cell count.
She said they could hospitalize you, and put you on a drip where they check you every two days.
But you’re old, they said.

I looked at Mummy, “Should we ask about it?”
We didn’t need to say what ‘it’ was about.
So i asked, and the vet told me the price, though price was the last answer i had in mind.
I wanted to know whether you were ready.
Whether it’s right.
Whether i’m doing the right thing by signing the release form.

Mummy didn’t cry the whole time in the vet’s.
And i was thinking ‘Wow, she’s way stronger then i am’ cos i was sobbing like a bitch.
But when she asked me to call Daddy to ask what he thought, she started crying too.
So i went out of the vet to call.
People were staring but i didn’t care.
Whatever they thought didn’t matter cos it was so trivial compared to you.

“What? you’re not doing it today right?” asked Daddy
“No… of course not yet…”
“No. Don’t do it today, bring him back first.”

He kept on repeating bring you back first, bring you back first.
I mean, of course i’d bring you back first.
Takkan we just let you go like that without everyone saying bye first…

I came home, read all the comments ppl left on my blog
They made me laugh and cry at the same time
Only the ones with dogs would understand i guess
Mummy hasn’t even cried since Kung Kung passed away
I… i cry all the time so i guess it’s normal now
But i cry so much when it comes to you
I just feel so sad. And helpless.
And i know you’re old. and you’e suffering.
And i don’t want to see you like this.
And yeah, it’s your time to go.
I wish you could stay longer.

Not longer like how you are now.
But longer in the time you were active and happy.
****************

That was exactly a week ago.

You left us this morning.

And you did it in a wonderful way, you did, and Kanch said so too, “That’s a dog for you.”
You waited till Daddy came downstairs and as he was cleaning the floor, you passed on.
He went out to the back garden to tell Mummy.
Then he called to tell me.

9:39am.
His voice was a bit croaky on the phone.
At first i thought he might be calling to run an errand or something, but when he said your name first, i knew what he was going to say.
And i didn’t cry.
Not at first.
Somehow it didn’t hit.

“I’m coming home now,” i said quietly, and slumped back on bed.
“You’re sad… Who was that?” asked DM.
“That was my dad. My dog passed away this morning.”

I drove home, even though he offered his driver to fetch me.
I know i could still drive. And i just wanted the time alone.
One of the CDs Kevin burnt for me was playing.
And this emo Malay song came on. Something about being young and free.

Mummy called me while i was driving and told me how it happened.
I listened, then when i couldn’t see the road properly i said, “Wait… i’m reaching already, i’m driving now, don’t tell me now.”

As i walked up the driveway, Daddy was cleaning the floor and Mummy sat next to you.
No one said a word.
I was wondering how it’d be like seeing your body… whether it’d gross me out or something.

But you were so peaceful.
You looked like you were sleeping, except no heavy breathing or shivering.

With my sunglasses still on, i stroked your head.

Our tears for you this time were different.
Last week, we were tortured about your condition 24/7.
Today we’re crying for you cos we’ve lost you, but it’s okay.
We’ve lost you today but we had you for almost 14 years.

I know you’re in a different place.
Nick smsed that you’re probably in a place where you’re happily running around and that made me smile cos it’s true.
I can just imagine you yapping around some big Dog Heaven garden, looking all happy clappy with tail-a-wagging, waiting for me to come get you there some day.

You did live a pretty long life for a spaniel and i’m so proud of you.
i’m so proud you’re always so good and loving even in the times i neglected you cos of my busy ‘life’
i’m proud you never whined or make a fuss when i bathed you.
i’m proud you never found fault with neighbouring dogs when i walked you.
i’m proud you always sat patiently looking at everything around you, when i’d talk to Ying for ages in the park last time.
i’m proud you’d always greet me at the gate except when i came back keterlaluan late.
i’m proud i had you.