La la la
Jet lag, work, stress about work.
I haven’t been sleeping well the past week.
I’ve also been bouncing around with emotions on an extreme plane.
very loved up
All the above emotions rotate throughout the whole day, every day for the past week.
I could probably roll it into ONE definition called = ‘very crazy’.
I just suddenly felt like i wasn’t doing things right,
or maybe i’m making the wrong choices,
or shit, why am i feeling like this, maybe my period is coming?
I really had NO idea and just…. felt CRAP.
Needing some spiritual guidance, i felt compelled to whatsapp DB who enlightened me on why i was feeling blah. The reason i’m writing down her advice here is cos surely there must be other people out there who sometimes feel a bit lost like i do too? I mean, i’d like to portray myself as strong all the time and a super fairy, but i’ve come to terms that i’m HUMAN and not perfect. I never thought of myself as a perfectionist (cos i never was!!) till i got pissed at myself when i cooked something one day and didn’t get it 100% right. Clem said: “Baby, you can’t expect a dish to come out perfect the first time you try it.” And i found myself thinking RIGHT after he said it: “I DO, YES I DO. Cos it usually happens and i want it to happen ALL the time.”
Sound like a psycho right. Anyway back to advice that made me direct my energy to being more… positive.
DB said that i have all this energy and if i don’t direct it to do something creative and physical like dancing or painting, then the energy becomes destructive. (place long pause in between writing here) Ok i just reread her messages and think i can’t even relay the message properly without misconstruing it, so i’m just gonna share some snatches of what she wrote to me here, word for word:
“You can even call me in your dream state i’m only half kidding, you’ll be surprised how much work gets done when you’re sleeping. So priority is getting you some good sleep love.”
“Don’t define the energy as good or bad or this specific illness, or that habit, or a terrible painting… that same energy is used to do everything so channel or move it from the mental into the physical. Dance more, paint more, move your body, it will give you the information you need and work out the kinks and toxins, as well as help with unlocking memories. It’s not tragic, it’s what author Joseph Campbell calls The Hero’s Journey. It’s what Star Wars was based on and many other movies. It’s the story of our lives, our purpose. We are the heroes we’ve been waiting for.”
“… old memories or anything that we perceive as dark/negative energy that is blocking us will come up now so that we have the opportunity to see it in a new light and give it forth (forgive)”
It’s kinda funny that she brought up the thing about old memories, cos i’ve recently being remembering really OLD memories that i’ve buried deep inside my mind cos they are things that i’m ashamed of and never wanted to remember again. They usually pop up at night before i fall asleep… but i don’t get overtly bothered by it. I do tell myself to let go and forgive myself. So it’s quite strange she confirmed it to me.
Anyway i don’t even know how to end this post now cos i have nothing else to say without revealing too much. Think i revealed enough today. So – The End.
I was infinitely sleepy a few hours ago but am awake now that i’m in front of my laptop -_-
My sleep pattern is quite screwed. It’s so easy to fly West and get used to jetlag in one day or less, but flying back East always puts one in a stump up to a week! I thought i could be superfairy and get over it in a day cos i have little choice seeing the amount of work i have. But no…
I slept at midnight last night and remember thinking while falling asleep, “YES! I’ll get up at 6:30am for my meeting and cure my jetlag in one day like i hoped!”
Maybe my subconscious decided to prank me cos i suddenly awoke at 3am and couldn’t go back to sleep.
I stayed still.
Relaxed all my body parts.
Tried not to think.
But couldn’t help thinking
listing down all the things i need to get done,
ideas for work,
and it ended up at how i need to get photographs printed in case i lose all my photo files.
I mean seriously, my brain just wouldn’t SHUT UP.
So i told it to, “Shut up!”
And another part of my brain went back, “Shut up!”
Then another part of my brain popped up, “Who said there are only two parts of the brain? There are a million parts to it!”
Then i heard a hundred voices in my head going, “Shut up!” “Shut up!” “Shut up!” “Shut up!”
So. Much. Noise.
I thought since i’m so awake scolding myself with a hundred voices i might as well get up and make use of my time.
Making as little noise as possible, i crept out of the bedroom and went outside to
make a list of things to do so i wouldn’t forget,
cleaned out the kitchen cupboard,
shifted tinsel to a box for present-wrapping purposes,
caught myself doing it and thought, “SERIOUSLY?!”
Crept back to bed around 4:30am and tried to sleep… till it was 6:30am and figured i MIGHT as well GET UP AGAIN and have breakfast and get ready and leave the house at 7:10am like i was supposed to so i could pick products up from Tania at 7:30 and reach a meeting at 8am.
After my meeting, i had breakfast #2 with Vivy and Fadza, then headed to BSC cos Clem wants steak for dinner and i only buy my meat from there. Got wrapping paper and scotch tape for presents. Vegetables. Pain au chocolat. Someone complimented me on my car in the parking lot, which made me feel good and vow to give strangers more compliments.
Noticed three new potholes on the way home which weren’t there three weeks ago. New ones to memorize i guess!
I was gonna blog pictures from London today but i have so many other urgent deadlines and i desperately need a nap so… this is all i got for ya right now.
I think i did myself GOOD today!
I woke up at 7:40AM cos i had a call with someone from the States at 8AM KL time. It was an interview of sorts to attend Awesomeness Fest, and i’m in yay! After Lara told me i’m accepted, i thought, “crap. do i even have money for this. i’m putting everything into a small business in June. And i have to renovate the new apartment in third quarter. And start paying mortgage with Clem.” Then i thought i’m sure i can suck it somehow… it’ll be an expensive year but it’s all going towards something that will progress myself further! Okay i’m just being positive, trying not to be too chinaman and counting all my money, and letting the universe handle it…
After paying USD1200 for my ticket, i cooked myself a scrambled egg with leftover potatoes. Then got ready to make my way out after the morning traffic. Went to the LHDN office in Damansara Perdana to do my taxes. Yes, i had to do my taxes on the LAST DAY i possibly could before going away. And yes, i had to go there cos i blinking forgot my PIN password. Again.
I queued up for 45 minutes just to find out my password. And discovered that i actually KNEW it all along. I want to kill myself sometimes. Did my taxes, paid for it online, felt even poorer, and left.
Went to Bangsar to grab myself a quick lunch alone, then a nail appointment. Let’s face it, i’m going to lots of dinners and things in London and i’m not gonna let my manicure look shabby. By that time, it was 1:30pm and i was falling asleep in the soft chair there. I skipped my pedicure cos i ran out of time, and went to BSC to buy a last minute present.
Dropped by my office to pick up a cheque. Went to bank, paid some LHDN fine (it was RM130. My dad said it’s so little that it’s better to just pay and not question. Trudat.) Banked in some cheques. Confirmed that my ATM card can work overseas.
Went to parents’ house. Took back my spoilt camera lens from my mum, passed her a book, grabbed some extra sweaters and tights for the cold weather from my old room.
Went to Sunway Giza where i usually change money. For the first time, the money changer spoke casually to me and said, “You are always traveling!” I ducked into Times bookstore to get a last minute present #2. Went to the supermarket to grab some chicken to cook dinner for Clem since i’d be away for 3 weeks. Also got toilet paper cos god knows he’d never notice it’s the last roll and what will he do when it’s done. Also got Y some chili sauce (it’s not Taste Me sorry!).
Bought some chili pan mee on the way home cos i always get hungry around 5pm.
Arrived home and lugged all the stuff i accumulated throughout the day upstairs. Chucked the chicken into the fridge and dug into my chili pan mee. Wrapped presents to pack. Prepared roast chicken using all the leftover herbs and vege i had in the fridge else i’d be returning to rotten stuff. Boiled potatoes and peeled them for mash potatoes cos Clem insisted he wanted some -_-
And now i’m blogging a bit before we eat and THEN i have to PACK FOR REALZ.
I finally did something which i really should have done years ago… i’ve had this little ‘nub’ (as Yishyene calls it) on the top of my ear as a result of the industrial piercing i did in 2007. I love how i can link my words to the actual event written years ago! After i got with Clem and all these piercings got in the way of our cuddling, i finally took them off, but this little keloid was left thanks to the industrial piecing that moved.
Thing is i don’t actually see it, cos it’s on the side of my head, and the only people who are forced to look at it are my friends.
Most of them are too polite to comment on how ugly it looks.
One day when i was hanging out with her in Europe, we were playing a random drawing game and used crayons to draw objects that were in our line of sight. She drew this tiny splotch (it was bigger than a dot) in light beige and asked me to guess what it was. I couldn’t. And she said (you guessed it), it was the little piece of flesh sticking out of my ear. I think i must have looked quite upset at the time and said, “I hate that thing!”
So she really made me feel like i should get rid of it. But i still didn’t.
Sometimes i felt a bit guilty when i go for photoshoots and that little awful thing is in the picture. The photographer usually says it’s no problem and that they can photoshop it. But still… it’s cheating?
Since i was at the doctor’s this week for being sick, i decided to kill two birds with one stone and asked him how difficult it would be to remove. He said it was a simple procedure and would take less than 20 minutes, and to return a few days later cos he’s usually very free on Thursday afternoons.
So i went back this afternoon after finishing some work, and such is my luck… there were a ton of people in queue, plus an emergency (someone fainted and was carried in) so i ended up waiting for an hour. I was stubborn not to budge tho. I am already here! If i leave i know i’ll take months before returning… i’m just gonna sit tight and wait for my turn and get this over with!
Okay plus, i will see Yishyene when i go to London next month so it’d be nice for it NOT TO BE THERE so she can’t make fun of it anymore.
When i was finally lying down on the operating table, the doctor said he was going to inject some anesthetic into my ear so i won’t feel anything when he cuts it out and stitches it up.
Man. The injection itself was MORE PAINFUL than the piercing i did that CAUSED me to get this injection in the first place!
True, i couldn’t feel anything after that but i could HEAR him stitching and cutting the thread. Had deja vu of the time i got stitches on my head as a child. I would like to say i’m completely brave and felt nothing, but emotionally, i was slightly nervous. And also thought how this was considered nothing compared to…
Dr asked, “How are you feeling?”
Me: “Fine. I’m just thinking how horrible giving birth is going to be…”
He laughed at me. Sure, he can laugh cos he never has to.
Anyway, it’s done! My little nub is finally off!
I proudly sent this picture to Yishyene when i got home so she could guess what i did. She asked whether i kept it and i was like, “OH DAMN! I actually thought about it while the doctor was removing it cos i thought i’d GIVE IT TO YOU haha! But then i forgot…”
I didn’t even say bye to it…
I half knew i’d get sick after Future cos i’ve just been battling off what fever i had a week ago,
but i didn’t think i’d get a nasty eye infection!
I woke up early this morning cos my left eye was clamped close thanks to dried up…. eye discharge.
I sat up in bed as Clem walked towards me from the bathroom, “What’s wrong with your eye??”
I shook my head, “I don’t know… eye infection…?”
Then i went to wash it in the bathroom.
He came in to get ready for work and i tried to be happy and optimistic despite my eye and grinned at him.
Clem quickly shook his head and backed away saying, “No, baby… no don’t do that.”
I got sick yesterday.
A fever slowly crept up, along with a tummy ache and chills.
I’m pretty sure it’s a combination of Clem’s birthday excitement the past week,
with all that drinking,
as well as running back and forth meetings and errands in this terribly humid weather.
I also told him roughly a week ago that i felt like i wanted to stop drinking.
He panicked, called me from the office and said, “Maybe you should take a pregnancy test…”
I was like, “PLEASE LA.” I can’t be pregnant, i’ve been on the pill so… that’s that.
Still, his words bounced around my head as i was driving last week, and i suddenly thought, “What IF i’m pregnant?!” And i COMPLETELY PANICKED. I felt like this hand swooped into my chest and tightened itself around my heart. I need to move house this year! I need to source for furniture and overlook the renovations! I have a project i want to kick off in May! I can’t do all this while throwing up all over the place!
Anyway. That was my mini panic attack. But i’m very sure i’m not pregnant.
And i don’t plan to be any time soon.
Back to me being sick, i tried not taking Panadol at first yesterday.
I avoid taking medicine (unless it’s cough mixture heh) cos i’d like to let my body try to fend for itself first.
Imagine if every time you get sick you just drop a pill… I think you’re destroying your own body’s immune system!
After laying around my parents’ house like a sick dog (went over there for lunch) and dragging myself to The Curve to exchange one of Clem’s birthday presents, i was so so relieved to get home and lay flat on the couch and rest.
I succumbed to a Panadol (and four more since),
and Clem offered to watch a cartoon movie with me – i chose Winnie the Pooh.
I chirped up, “I feel better already!” as the show started.
Not bad, he sat thru the whole thing and even laughed at some of the right parts.
I need to find more great cartoon movies to watch.